2008.....

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 14:59:53 GMT

I can look at this yr in 2 ways....

This was supposed to be MY year. it was MY number. and i can sit here and say, shit it sucked! But i can't. Because even though i "lost" my family, and the "love" of my "life", i gained so much more this year.

On November 12 i welcomed into the world my baby girl. The most beautiful little baby girl i've ever seen. Healthy and great, and just right out perfect. While the journey to have her wasn't so great, and pleasant once she was out i knew it was worth every second of it. I cried myself to sleep all 9 months, asking questions and wondering why. None of that matters anymore. Isaac and Lucy make me want to be a better person and not fall back.

I saw the person i love, my husband, my bestfriend with another woman just weeks after our marriage "ended" and i was carrying his 2nd child. I never thought i could get passed that. Never thought i'd get over that vision, that heartache i felt. I felt betrayed and lied to and just right out felt like shit.... I was wrong. I am strong. Stronger than i ever knew. I can say hi to her now, and see passed March 28.... I blamed myself for a long time. But now i see it wasn't me. It was him, and no matter what or who hes with he will always be unhappy. He did me a favor, and though he still says he loves me and misses me every day he mainly says he did me a favor, and he rather hurt forever than keep hurting me... so i thank him for leaving and staying away. I dont' think i can be as strong if he was here everyday repeating the same things over and over... One day i will fully be over him. i dont' know if i'll ever be over the thought of my family but of him i will be.

I've grown even closer to my bestfriends, and they have helped me beyond my wildest dreams. One smacks truth and is heartless, and reminds me why i need to be strong, while the other makes me laugh when i cry, and the other is a hopeless romantic that gives me hope that i will one day again be in love etcc.... I never thought i could be blessed with these individuals. And i know somehow i've left a significat spot in their hearts. Shes the wife i never wanted, but now wouldn't give her back, so ya know ur stuck ;).... i could never say thank you enough.

This year i've noticed how much my parents and family really love me, and how proud they are of me. I never really knew or saw how much my father loved me and cherished me till this year. Its bittersweet actually lol. I grew closer to my sister, gained another one, and had my brother help me and stand up to the plate of being the next "man" to look after me... Hes done a pretty good job although 7 years younger than me. I grew closer to everyone who is important in my family/life. and its been great.

I still hurt, sometimes cry, and when i listen to music i can't help but think of moments, and him and i and the life i had this time last year. I am human and i've accepted that i will hurt. But i am stronger. than. ever. I can now listen to the songs we would hear together and dance to and share moments to without shedding one tear, i smile.

So you see, i can sit here and say how much 08 sucked because i lost him, but in reality i had to loose him to gain everything else in my life. Everything that is really important and will be with me forever. The vowes we said 4 years ago were thrown out the window, and well in reality as much as i love him and wish he were the man i thought he would be.. he never will be. He will always be him, and nothing and no one can change that, ever.

Isaac and Lucy, you are my reason for being, and thankyou both for not letting me fall....

2008 was a roller coaster and its not even over yet. Definately a roller coaster i wouldn't make a line for again but greatful that i was on it...

Here is to 2009. To what i'll learn, to what i'll forget, to the ones i'll loose and for the ones i'll remember.

It's safe to say i made it....

-d

ps. " i can't repay what you gave away"

it will all get better in time....

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 01:39:16 GMT

This time last year i was at publix with my husband and son spending $200+ on food for our first of many (as we thought) thanksgiving dinners as a big family....

So many things have changed since! And with that my inspiration to write has been cut short.

Happy Holidays.

PS. This year i'm thankful for Isaac, Lucy, and the blindfold that has been stripped from my eyes. I'm also thankful for my bestfriend, and my loving sister whos been a big help. I'm thankful for MY family, although broken and shit faced, but still my family....

lost..

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 20:46:28 GMT

maybe its just tomorrow, and my nerves... why is this being so much harder than the last time?! I feel alone and hopeless. I'm not one to ramble on this crap, but its gotten to the point that i'm going to explode. Nobody knows, and thats how i want to keep it. My blood preassure must be at like 160/90. I need to just relax before i die, literally. blah.....

the end.

Dee.

2008.....

it will all get better in time....

lost..